Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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