I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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