matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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