In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
