literally had 100 drinks last night.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
