What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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