uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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