My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
