Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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