I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
