If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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