Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
