it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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