If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
