The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
