I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
