So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
