woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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