A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
