i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i just made my gag reflex go away.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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