I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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