I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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