dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
