dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
