i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
