i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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