Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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