dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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