worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
