the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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