If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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