this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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