giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
