On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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