he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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