Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
