New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
this hospital has no fireball
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
