I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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