Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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