how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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