I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
