totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
