Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
