I'm so fucking centered right now
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
