I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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