he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
