Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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