Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
