The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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