I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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